What is this Faith thing, anyway?

“But though, speaking for myself, I thus admit the possibility of revelation. I totally disbelieve that the Almighty ever did communicate any thing to man by any mode of speech in any language . . . .

“The most detestable wickedness, the most horrid cruelties and the greatest miseries that have afflicted the human race have had their origin in this thing call revelation or revealed religion. It has been the most dishonorable belief against the character of the divinity, the most destructive to morality and the peace and happiness of man, that ever was propagated since man began to exist.”

– Thomas Paine, The Age of Reason, Part II.

Some define Faith as the unfounded belief in something that cannot be proved. Throughout the US, there are many examples of how the most indignant, self-righteous, closed-minded, self-proclaimed Christians claim that their gospel is, well, gospel. Some actually think that they must live their lives precisely as outlined in this handy dandy instruction manual. To do so, they must set aside a lifetime of experiences, knowledge and facts. They must replace all human experiences and ideas with something they label “Faith”. More than others, “Reborn Christians” are extremely afflicted with “Faith,” so much so that they force everyone else to follow their words, if not their deeds.

“Faith” is best defined by describing some other Christian practices. First, there is something called “prayer”, a futile exercise that seems to take up a lot of free time. “Praying” seems to be nothing more than kneeling and begging god to give them stuff. How this differs from rubbing a magic genie bottle, I have yet to figure out. Praying is also a common tactic when faced with a tough choice. Rather than use logic, rational analysis or trying to research similar events in an effort to find a solution, the proper Christian action is to get on one’s knees and place a person-to-person call to god. (Don’t call collect!)

If you pray hard enough, cultists argue, god will drop everything else on his agenda, including all of those billions of galaxies, with their billions of stars, and untold numbers of inhabited planets. He will consider your individual, selfish, and egotistical demands to the exclusion of all other earthbound hominids, and the rest of the universe. If you wonder if Praying works, here is an easy test of its effectiveness. Try it out during the next lottery drawing and see how well this system works. Buy a ticket. Then, get on your knees and pray. If you pray hard enough, you will be a millionaire. Really.

Some obedient cultists brainwash their offspring to rely on prayer, rather than logic, right after birth. As a result, there are some painful stories. A few years ago, one set of particularly abusive Christian parents house-broke and puppy-trained their defenseless, three year-old daughter. They stood her up before the 700 Club TV cameras and had her publicly confess to committing mortal sins. On command, she promptly recited a televised request for viewers to pray for her forgiveness and to send $$$ to the Club. When later questioned on TV, these yahoo parents proudly said that daughter was “reborn” after surviving their brainwashing ordeal.

MORTAL SIN? A 3 YEAR OLD GIRL? Who let those nut-jobs become parents? Parading her around like a trained dog on TV? Isn’t that more like child abuse than education? The worst blow, though, was how she recited the plea to enrich the millionaires who own the 700 Club. If this reminds you of canine obedience training, you aren’t wrong. How can any three year old have any capacity for self-awareness, much less understand the nature and extent of her “capital crime” or “mortal sin”? Just what sort of chance does that poor girl have in a modern society? Such strict mind control at an early age is bound to create lasting damage. This is child abuse, pure and simple.

Because of the blessed rinsing of the brain, Christians pray for many important things, like finding a parking spot close to a mall entrance, finding lost car keys, high school football victories, learning who f—d their 13 yr old daughter (the one daddy promised would stay virgin until he gave her away), getting besotted #1 son bailed out, finding money their wallets and of course, for sunny golf weather.

It is noteworthy that the Encyclopaedia Britannica lists Opus Dei under the heading of “brainwashing” just above the Hare Krishna. Opus Dei is but one group from a long list, that uses brainwashing to control members and families. With the popularity of the DaVinci Code, Opus Dei members are trying hard to spin public opinion back under control. They have their work cut out for them.

The reality of constant prayer activities leads to the obvious question: What happens when two members of the same cult, pray for opposite results with the identical amount of fervor and belief. In the case of a tie, who wins? What if a Pentecostal husband prays for great sunny fishing weather so he can make like Jesus, while his dutiful, totally obedient, asexual wife prays for storms to water her tomatoes? The fruits, I mean. How is a busy God supposed to decide? Does God flip some celestial coin? Even that atheist Einstein scolded god about gambling.

As you might guess, Prayer-based nonsense almost always results in utter failure. Does the futility of their actions ever dissuade the faithful from praying again and again? Apparently not. To the contrary, recent studies have shown that prayer seems to be growing in popularity. Even worse, membership continues to rise, especially within the brainwashing cults.

Ben Franklin wrote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Try telling that to hordes of praying Christians who rely solely on Faith in their god. Dare we suggest that repeated reliance on Christian prayer is a clear manifestation of insanity? You would think after constant failures, rational beings would question the effectiveness of Prayer and look for other answers to such puzzling questions, such as, why is weather like it is, what are planets made of, why don’t they stay in one spot, what is quantum gravity or chromo-dynamics supposed to mean, what is genetic farming all about, and even what hominid conception through sexual activity entails.

You would also be wrong.

Instead of actually trying to figure out and solve problems, using their brains, experience and free thought, they created yet another counterpart to both Faith and Prayer, something a Machiavellian preacher named “god’s will.” Rather than blame their own blatant, willful ignorance, human error, or downright ineffable stupidity for the failure of their Prayers to work as promised, Christians created a handy device to be applied generously should the Prayer thingie fail. It works like this:

Let’s say a known danger looms ahead. Rather than act rationally, study the danger and apply man’s huge body of knowledge in search for a solution, Christian rules call for them to get on their knees and Pray. If, no, WHEN Prayer fails, it is excused away by applying an idea called “God’s will.”

Should you ever try “thinking” this concept through, you will find that these cretins created a pretty nifty system. Not only does it absolve the believer from even a hint of personal responsibility, it actually interferes with their future learning, education and maturity. It also offers the Christian cult leaders with a huge amount of control over their flock, without ever having to say, “I’m sorry.” Instead, all they have to say, “It was God’s will.” Lost your leg to untreated diabetes? “God’s Will.” Lost your farm because you tithed 90% to me? “God’s will.” See? It is the ultimate in excusing making.

Some might begin to wonder just how long can christians keep beating their heads against this brick wall before they realize that the entire system is fatally flawed? In response, just think about Jericho.

Take their instruction manual. Although rational thinkers may question the so-called “inerrancy” of the instruction manual, more often than not, Faith leads the true believers straight back to “God’s will” and, of course, even more Faith. It sounds almost like a scientific equation: When faced with contrary evidence, first have Faith, then Pray, and then excuse your failure on God’s will. It is so simple that it is brilliant! And it has kept sheeple in control for 2000 years. How’s that for success?

The Bible is filled with many examples of behavior that otherwise normal, ethical hominids like us find both illegal and morally objectionable. Yet God blesses these crimes, simply because the criminals had enough Faith.

One entertaining fable involves a fascinating character named Lot. He is a great example of how having Faith can be both advantageous and fun. When Lot was given the choice between giving up his idea of imaginary angels dancing around in his head, or, letting a gang of sex-starved ape-men rape his virgin daughters, guess which choice he makes. (Just a hint, his daughters “came” second.) For this impressive display of wholesome family values, Lot is called “just” and “righteous.” Pet. 2:7-8, 19:8.

Another neat trick is how Lot’s wife is transformed into a giant animal salt-lick just because she was caught facing in the wrong direction. That episode warns ye of too little Faith just how badly their god reacts when faced with a lack of Faith and an excess of curiosity.

We aren’t quite done with Lot. Without access to his wife’s sexual services, he became a lonely, troubled, horny male hominid. Luckily for him, his now experienced daughters acquired a rather active imagination, probably as a result of their previous rape-filled history. They joined Lot in a cave, where they got him drunk, and then, took turns raping him. Because of his “Christian family values”, Lot’s daughters all got knocked up with daddy’s jism. According to god’s instruction manual, this isn’t incest. Solely because of Lot’s Faith, it’s considered a blessing. Genesis 19:30-38. As you see, having Faith manages to cover a whole range of crimes and sins. Such are Christian family values.

A serious believer in these cults and their inerrant Bible is forced to swallow some other big ones, even larger than that unlucky cetacean who ends up with Jonah-flavored indigestion. Unfortunately, even if you total up all these contradictions and other really weird stuff, you will find that arguing with a bible beater becomes an insurmountable task. If you try to point out the hundreds of conflicts and inconsistencies in the book, their eyes glaze over and they claim that it is – wait for it – a matter of Faith.

Ever run into Bible beaters who claim that having gay sex is a crime against God? If you do, don’t waste your time pointing out Ruth’s “claving” Naomi’s unmentionables; Ruth 1:16-17 & 2:10-11; King David kissing and fondling his lover Jonathan; Samuel 18:2; or Daniel getting inside Ashpenaz, Daniel 1:9.

Faith blinds cultists from any rational discussion of those examples. Faith tells them that they are right, and your view is unacceptable, if not blasphemy. Some creative “leaders” will argue that it IS matter of interpretation, (their interpretation) and that the wholly, holy, inerrant Bible would never condone same-sex relationships. Trust them. They know best. Why? Because.

As for divorce, Deuteronomy tells you how to “lose” your boring, inconvenient, or troublesome wife. Although god-approved rapes outnumber divorces in the instruction manual, it is clear that males have the right to trade in their tired, aging sex partner and former child incubator, for a new and improved model. Just send the laundry out and claim that she wasn’t a virgin when you got married.

What about a husband having multiple partners, not counting those pesky concubines? Well, it depends. If you listen to the most conservative charlatans for any length of time, say a Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell, at some point they start pontificating on what constitutes proper family values. These Cretins From Christ’s Bible supports only one proposition: “Marriage is between one man and a woman.” Based solely on this interpretation, they want to change the US constitution and define marriage solely in biblical terms as they perceive it.

One man and a woman, huh? This definition is expressed in some biblical terms, is it? The CFCs repeat this claim so often that you would almost think that they had some liturgical support for this. Yeah. The next time someone tells you that the Bible is “inerrant” when discussing marriage, bring up Abraham. (or Newt Gingrich) Abe starts out with one wife, Sarah, and one sex toy, Hagar. Without splitting up or divorcing Sarah, he marries Keturah. Soon, it turns out that Horny Abe was playing the field with a whole bunch of other concubines, all of who seem to have gotten god’s blessing to screw Abe without sin. While he was too short for the NBA, his “scorecard” was better than the most active forward or point guard. Genesis 25:1, 25:6.

Sex outside of marriage gave only men the grounds for divorce, not the wives. Contrary to the CFC’s preaching, there is plenty of evidence of support for divorce. Matthew 5:31,32; 19:1-9; Mar 10:2-12; Luke 16:18. Still, some Christians want to outlaw divorces as another crime against God. It is hard to reconcile their position that divorce is sinful, when their own god apparently blessed it so often. It should come as no surprise that the more conservative and religious a region, the higher their divorce rate. Talk about saying one thing and doing another.

Absolom, or Avshalom, David’s third son, fucked his way through almost all of dad’s impressive harem during his rebellion. With the help of folks of Israel and Judah, Absolom came close to removing David from his throne. Daddy needed the help of outsiders to survive this rebellion.

Another of Dave’s sons, Solomon, actually outdid daddy and created an even larger harem, with over 1,000 compliant, sex-starved slave-babes all dedicated to providing him with pleasure. Wow. More than three a day, every year. Now, that is impressive biblical hero. Still, in biblical terms, Judah probably takes the cake. Guilty of two counts of rape, pimping and incest, not to mention a murderous breach of contract, Judah is considered a righteous biblical BMOC simply because he had enough Faith.

Faith allows you to set aside all these pesky legal troubles and logical questions. It allows you to ignore contrary evidence and contradictions contained in the Gospel itself. Faith is more important than anything, especially your own rational thoughts. Faith is nothing more than a comforting, convenient, and confounding delusion.