The Church of Ineffable Stupidity Revamp

4,017 BC – This Flat Earth was created in the minds of anti-evolutionary, anti-science, bigoted, aged, lily white conservative christians everywhere.

1942 – Coffee rationing hits United States, grumbling malcontents consider creation of a Tea Party

COINCIDENCE? I think NOT!

“Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make.”

“Body by Fisher , but Brains from Playskool”

Several events have come to pass of late, which suggest that Ye Olde Way of doing things will not longer work. Yes, it is time for a change. The Church of Ineffable Stupidity must grow, and it must change.

Tis the thyme, tis the season, tis the change we knead to make things rise. As of now, due to growing poplar demands, the Church is expanding, (along with its waistline). As of soon, we begin specializing our works. For several revolutions of Sol around this Flat Earth, we’ve celebrated the Church’s sAINT’S, a highly sought after prize awarded to the State with the dumbest criminals of the day. Given the return of the GOP to the US Senate, it looks like we’ll have to break this ever growing group into two parts. Your run of the mill ineffably stupid crooks (Thanks, Florida!), and, of course, “politicians.” For example,

tODAY’S sAINT’S

For example, after a long respite, New York returns to the foray with this:
“Hand over all your dough!”

Police say Salvatore LaRosa was charged with robbery after surrendering to police. According to court papers, LaRosa and an accomplice followed the owners of Brothers Pizzeria on Staten Island. After donning masks, the papers say, they pointed guns and demanded the men turn over a bag they believed held the day’s proceeds.

But instead, the bag was full of pizza dough.

– – – – –
The State of Misery grows a special kind of criminal:

Ryan M. McNames told officers he offered two women $60 for one of them to show him her chest and for the other to perform oral sex on him. After he placed payment on a stereo, one of the prostitutes showed him her chest, but the second did not perform oral sex, Haden said. The women took the money and left.

McNames requested that the officer contact the women and get them to return at least $40 for an incomplete transaction. (He) was arrested on suspicion of patronizing prostitution

You see, mixing the likes of Daryl Issa, Tom DeLay, Dick Cheney, Prof. Yoo, and others with the common class of ineffably stupid criminals will simply not do. It would be an insult to the common criminals. These folks may deserve a laugh, but only those pols deserve the full, unmitigated scorn that they work so hard to earn, with malice aforethought.

– – – –
KNIGHTS OF THE PERIODIC TABLE

Several individuals seem to to be repeatedly and regularly honored by our Church. Sir Orange of Boehner, Wassilly Sarah, Sen. Mitch McTurtle, Oxy-Rush, Tea Baggers, the famous “Six pack short of a Beck,” my favorite, Michelle Overdrive Bachmann, and several others of the reich wing, christian based, lunatic fringe. Because they act so predictably, so badly, and so often, the Knights are dedicated to honoring on a regular basis them in their own special group – The Periodic Table.

Others, we regret to say, have lost both their lime and their light, and like MacArthur’s old soldiers, simply fade away. Jan Brewer, Sharron Angle, Christine O’Donnell, and others, well, we could say we’d miss you, but that would be a lie. And that would be wrong.

It goes almost without saying that as we discover new elements, the Periodic Table will add them to the chart.

This leads us to:

THE SACRED APSE OF FALSE EQUIVALENCIES

Among many of the false idols currently, and improperly worshiped by Main Stream Mediot types is the apparent need to paint every issue as being “binary” in nature. Yes – No, True – False, White – Hispanic, Conservative – Liberal.

As we know, this is both lazy and stupid. Ineffably stupid. But, it is cheap. It looks like news. It sounds like news. But in reality, it is the anti-news.

It allows a news cable channel to hire one propaganda whore from one side, and play them against the whore from the other side, concentrating on meaningless details, silly points (Honestly, who CARES if Bristol won?), and ridiculous distractions. A great example of this Sacred Apse exists today with the leak of 250,000 Dipsomatic Cables (Is State so backwards, that they still use CABLES and TELEGRAPHY ? ??). On one hand, we have one predictable group of people (Peter King (R), Mitch McConnell (R), Sen. Kyl (R), the White House) angry and calling Wikileaks a terrorist group. On the other hand, there are an equally lazy group of “experts” claiming things like freedom of the oppressed, open government, and generally there simply to make the opposite point.

I’ve seen chicken fights in a Texas arena with more solid research and professionalism, than exhibited by today’s journalists.

No one, at least not within the Professional J-Skule Class, has bothered to do the hard slogging job of actually reading the Wikileaks Cables, researching the context, and providing a rational review of the event, the communication, and the potential impact on foreign affairs. False Equivalencies are the prime example of how Consolidations, Mergers & Acquisitions, and the resulting Budget Cuts (See Sam Zell & the Tribune Company, generally) have eroded, corroded, exploded, and lobotomized what used to be a thriving news industry in America. It also shows just how badly served America is without real news, without real research, without real journalism.

This subsection of the Church of Ineffable Stupidity is dedicated to pointing out really bad moves by our newly shaped, Modern Journalist Crass, especially a) the Lack of Coverage on real news; b) the concentration of huge resources on missing besotted blonde bimbettes, instead of real news; c) the Playing the False Equivalency Bored Game, instead of doing their jobs; and, d) protecting and coddling the most powerful, while attacking the defenseless (see Wall Street, generally).

And what you have been all weighting for: – – – –

THE MAUSOLEUM OF MONASTIC MANIACS

This special section, this very special section, is dedicated to politicians, in their ever amazing, ineffable gory. When the new Governor of Maine hires a mentally challenged, perhaps deranged, conservative activist who wants to push Liberals down a staircase so he can smile, or when John Shimkus, who is to science what John Bolton was to diplomacy, suddenly becomes in charge of energy and the environment, or when John Kasich promises open government, only to break that promise the instant he is elected, well, as you can guess, this may soon be the busiest part of the Church in the coming months.

– – –
Obviously, there is a need for two more sections. One of them is yet unbuilt and unnamed, but acts as “none of the above.” The Church is open for donations of names, ideas, and heads ups on the latest antics of America’s Idle Morans. Bricks, mortar, humor, and sarcasm are most welcome.

So, send your ideas, comments, and heads up my way. The Church thanks you.

Lettuce Prey!

silly science quiz

1940 – Walt Disney’s animated classis, “Fantasia,” premiered.

1953 – Indiana Textbook Commission member charges that Robin Hood is a communist

COINCIDENCE? I think NOT!

Discontent is the first necessity of progress.
Thomas A. Edison

A house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body.
Benjamin Franklin

FROM THE CHURCH OF INEFFABLE STUPIDITY:

agnostic’s diary :: ::
Dear Readers:

Because so many of you are so well read and captivated by science, scientific discoveries, and new technologies, now is a good time to take a pulse of that knowledge and compare your knowledge with others here. The highest scoring winner will win a secret prize, to be announced when all scores are tallied.

Ready? Get out your thinking caps and and have fun!

1. What was the purpose of the Manhattan Project?

a. A crash program (racing against Nazi Germany) to determine whether an atom could be split, and if so, could it be used to create a weapon.
b. To determine the proper ratios of Bourbon, Sweet Vermouth, and Bitters
c. Christians from Alabama, South Carolina and Kentucky gather in New York to preach the word of god to the millions of godless, heathen, communist socialist devil worshippers
d. A plan to steal nuclear secrets from the USSR

2. Dinosaurs became extinct because:

a. global climate change destroyed their ability to eat
b. a meteor strike
c. They are still alive, hiding in African caves, ready to appear at Jesus’ side
d. Tea Baggers and conservatives threw out the blue dogs in a fit of voter unhappiness
e. Adam and Eve hunted them to extinction

3. The sixth planet in the solar system is called:

a. Earth
b. Saturn
c. Sarah Palin
d. There are no planets. God simply put those images in the sky to test our faith.
e. the Moon

4. The shortest day of the year is called:

a. Pay day
b. Winter solstice
c. Spring solstice
d. Fall forward, spring back
e. February 31st

5. The localized death of human tissue is called:

a. Necrophilia
b. Tea Bagging
c. Gangrene
d. autolobotomization
e. Tax cuts for the rich

6. Marie Curie is famous for:

a. Winning the England Can Sing contest, and performing live before the Queen
b. mixing the perfect Manhattan on New York’s version of The Iron Chef
c. Purifying Radium
d. Partying with Nicole and Paris
e. Starring in the Partridge Family

7. Isaac Newton is most famous for:

a. creating a wonderful child’s snack containing figs
b. Going platinum with his third Rap Album, “Why it falls.”
c. describing the nature of gravity in mathematical terms
d. winning Sarah Palin’s seal of approval by claiming Obama is the worst president in the world.
e. winning the hot dog eating contest held in Kentucky

8. Herculaneum is what?

a. A city destroyed in the same eruption that smothered Pompeii
b. The radioactive element in Nuclear weapons used to create huge electromagnetic pulses
c. The word coined by Mitch McConnell to describe the GOP victory this November
d. Michelle Bachmann’s nickname, because of her incredible upper body strength
e. A Danish cheese that is cured, aged, then smoked over hickory, and served with fermented red herrings

9. The biggest earthquake ever recorded was:

a. Sarah Palin’s announcement that she might consider the possibility of thinking about, wondering if she should weigh a potential run for president, but only if there are no Tea partiers running against her.
b. A black man running for president of the United States. . . . and winning.
c. in Chile, 1960, measuring 9.5 on the Richter scale.
d. Fox News accurately reporting a story that was favorable to Democrats
e. Bristol Palin’s epic victory on Dancing with the Stars.

10. Stalagmites are:

a. prisons specially designed to capture and hold bed bugs and other invasive insects
b. stony growths that grow from the ground up, caused by the slow drip of mineral rich water.
c. God’s way of telling sinners they think too much about sex
d. one of the codewords used by fascist, communist, socialist pagan Democrat Party members, to attack honest, American, Patriotic Tea Baggers
e. A new breakfast cereal that is both crunchy AND chewy, with 5% of RDA of every vitamin and mineral your young body needs to grow strong and healthy!

11. Proteomics is the study of

a. Ancient Protestant Scripture
b. how to generate solar power using protons, instead of electrons
c. the study of how proteins interact and permit a human function to function
d. Joe Miller’s latest tactic to win the Alaska senate seat
e. which cat food provides the greatest food source after Obama’s Deficit Commission is done with its work.

12. The Lugensteine is:

a. German Professor Beringer’s proof that god existed and tried to communicate with early humans by carving symbols on limestone rocks
b. A fine pilsner brewed in Munich, Germany
c. the Alaskan Island from which you can see Russia
d. The proper name of an Olympic sport involving a tiny open sled
e. The lowest balcony section in Orchestra Hall

13. Sweetlip Emperor and Slippery Dick are

a. The Secret Service nicknames for George W. Bush and Richard Cheney
b. What Sarah Palin and Joe Miller call each other in private.
c. Puddings created by Scottish chefs, mainly over Christmas holidays
d. two species of salt water fish
e. the perfect description of Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul when they discuss policy.

14. Sublimation is:

a. The process by which dry ice turns into Carbon Dioxide
b. The Tea Baggers’ plan to take back this nation.
c. Sarah Palin’s word for the US Navy’s underwater fleet
d. A veggie and lime sandwich created in Manhattan
e. what should happen to Earmarks

15. Carabiners are:

a. important tools using by mountain climbers
b. the weapon of choice that Tea Baggers threatened to use to take back their country
c. Sweet confections made out of pure cane sugar
d. the ancient Inuit name for out of season caribou hunters in Alaska
e. solar powered automobiles

SCORING RULES:

For the most accurate scoring, take a sharp blade, and press hard against the object, pulling on the blade with a steady stroke. Otherwise, total up the right answers, subtract the wrong answers, divide by two, add Pi, and find the square root of -2.

A Shame beyond all others

July 2010 – Morgan Stanley wealth manager hits a biker, flees scene
Nov 2010 – Colorado prosecutors refuse to prosecute, because Morgan Stanley needs his sorry ass

COINCIDENCE? I think NOT!

At his best, man is the noblest of all animals; separated from law and justice he is the worst.
— Aristotle

No man is above the law and no man is below it: nor do we ask any man’s permission when we ask him to obey it.
— Theodore Roosevelt

FROM THE CHURCH OF INEFFABLE STUPIDITY:

The Law is an Ass is not just a funny saying anymore, at least not when discussing the grate State of Colorado.

A Morgan Stanley wealth manager will not face felony charges for a hit-and-run because Colorado prosecutors don’t want him to lose his job.

Martin Joel Erzinger, who manages more than $1 billion in assets for Morgan Stanley in Denver, is being accused only of a misdemeanor for allegedly driving his Mercedes into a cyclist and then fleeing the scene, Colorado’s Vail Daily reports. The victim, Dr. Steven Milo, whom Erzinger allegedly hit in July, suffered spinal cord injuries, bleeding from his brain and, according to his lawyer Harold Haddon, “lifetime pain.”

But District Attorney Mark Hurlbert says it wouldn’t be wise to prosecute Erzinger — doing so might hurt his source of income.

I wish I were making this shit up.

Let’s see if we have this straight. An innocent biker is peddling legally on the street, an asshole banker collides with him seriously and permanently injuring him, the asshole banker flees the scene, AND the Colorado prosecutor refuses to charge him because he’s too rich?

Prosecutor Mark Hurlbert came up with this unique form of logic:

“Felony convictions have some pretty serious job implications for someone in Mr. Erzinger’s profession, and that entered into it. When you’re talking about restitution, you don’t want to take away his ability to pay.”

Yeah, do the asshole banker a favor, drop the felony charges, as a favor for the injured biker?

The man crushed by Morgan Stanley (physically) is obviously far less important to society than a Morgan Stanley banker. The biker, Dr. Steven Milo, is merely a liver transplant specialist, obviously no one important to a legally operating society.

I must admit that I suffer from the occasional bout of outrage. For that reason, I created the Church of Ineffable Stupidity, celebating and celebrating the worst that our society has to offer. This time, I am simply shocked beyond belief.

I sincerely hope that Hurlbert’s position is an elected one. And that voters remember next time he is up for retention or election. Heck, I’d move to Colorado to vote against him.

The refusal of congress to prosecute Cheney Bush was insulting and bad. It meant more years of war, more torture, more abuse and and more loss of life. I could never fathom Nancy Pelosi’s refusal to at least start a congressional investigation. But, obviously she took her clues from the President, who also refused to look back at our sordid past.

This decision smells stinks to high heaven. As a practicing lawyer, it bothers me just as much as the Administration’s refusal to do its job in 2009. This story tops the Church of Ineffable Stupidity’s sAINThood list. When I locate his business address, I will update this diary.

On edit:

The good prosecutor (out of law school for 16 years) can be reached at:

Fifth Judicial District
PO BOX 488
Breckenridge CO 80424