The Church of Ineffable Stupidity Revamp

4,017 BC – This Flat Earth was created in the minds of anti-evolutionary, anti-science, bigoted, aged, lily white conservative christians everywhere.

1942 – Coffee rationing hits United States, grumbling malcontents consider creation of a Tea Party

COINCIDENCE? I think NOT!

“Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make.”

“Body by Fisher , but Brains from Playskool”

Several events have come to pass of late, which suggest that Ye Olde Way of doing things will not longer work. Yes, it is time for a change. The Church of Ineffable Stupidity must grow, and it must change.

Tis the thyme, tis the season, tis the change we knead to make things rise. As of now, due to growing poplar demands, the Church is expanding, (along with its waistline). As of soon, we begin specializing our works. For several revolutions of Sol around this Flat Earth, we’ve celebrated the Church’s sAINT’S, a highly sought after prize awarded to the State with the dumbest criminals of the day. Given the return of the GOP to the US Senate, it looks like we’ll have to break this ever growing group into two parts. Your run of the mill ineffably stupid crooks (Thanks, Florida!), and, of course, “politicians.” For example,

tODAY’S sAINT’S

For example, after a long respite, New York returns to the foray with this:
“Hand over all your dough!”

Police say Salvatore LaRosa was charged with robbery after surrendering to police. According to court papers, LaRosa and an accomplice followed the owners of Brothers Pizzeria on Staten Island. After donning masks, the papers say, they pointed guns and demanded the men turn over a bag they believed held the day’s proceeds.

But instead, the bag was full of pizza dough.

– – – – –
The State of Misery grows a special kind of criminal:

Ryan M. McNames told officers he offered two women $60 for one of them to show him her chest and for the other to perform oral sex on him. After he placed payment on a stereo, one of the prostitutes showed him her chest, but the second did not perform oral sex, Haden said. The women took the money and left.

McNames requested that the officer contact the women and get them to return at least $40 for an incomplete transaction. (He) was arrested on suspicion of patronizing prostitution

You see, mixing the likes of Daryl Issa, Tom DeLay, Dick Cheney, Prof. Yoo, and others with the common class of ineffably stupid criminals will simply not do. It would be an insult to the common criminals. These folks may deserve a laugh, but only those pols deserve the full, unmitigated scorn that they work so hard to earn, with malice aforethought.

– – – –
KNIGHTS OF THE PERIODIC TABLE

Several individuals seem to to be repeatedly and regularly honored by our Church. Sir Orange of Boehner, Wassilly Sarah, Sen. Mitch McTurtle, Oxy-Rush, Tea Baggers, the famous “Six pack short of a Beck,” my favorite, Michelle Overdrive Bachmann, and several others of the reich wing, christian based, lunatic fringe. Because they act so predictably, so badly, and so often, the Knights are dedicated to honoring on a regular basis them in their own special group – The Periodic Table.

Others, we regret to say, have lost both their lime and their light, and like MacArthur’s old soldiers, simply fade away. Jan Brewer, Sharron Angle, Christine O’Donnell, and others, well, we could say we’d miss you, but that would be a lie. And that would be wrong.

It goes almost without saying that as we discover new elements, the Periodic Table will add them to the chart.

This leads us to:

THE SACRED APSE OF FALSE EQUIVALENCIES

Among many of the false idols currently, and improperly worshiped by Main Stream Mediot types is the apparent need to paint every issue as being “binary” in nature. Yes – No, True – False, White – Hispanic, Conservative – Liberal.

As we know, this is both lazy and stupid. Ineffably stupid. But, it is cheap. It looks like news. It sounds like news. But in reality, it is the anti-news.

It allows a news cable channel to hire one propaganda whore from one side, and play them against the whore from the other side, concentrating on meaningless details, silly points (Honestly, who CARES if Bristol won?), and ridiculous distractions. A great example of this Sacred Apse exists today with the leak of 250,000 Dipsomatic Cables (Is State so backwards, that they still use CABLES and TELEGRAPHY ? ??). On one hand, we have one predictable group of people (Peter King (R), Mitch McConnell (R), Sen. Kyl (R), the White House) angry and calling Wikileaks a terrorist group. On the other hand, there are an equally lazy group of “experts” claiming things like freedom of the oppressed, open government, and generally there simply to make the opposite point.

I’ve seen chicken fights in a Texas arena with more solid research and professionalism, than exhibited by today’s journalists.

No one, at least not within the Professional J-Skule Class, has bothered to do the hard slogging job of actually reading the Wikileaks Cables, researching the context, and providing a rational review of the event, the communication, and the potential impact on foreign affairs. False Equivalencies are the prime example of how Consolidations, Mergers & Acquisitions, and the resulting Budget Cuts (See Sam Zell & the Tribune Company, generally) have eroded, corroded, exploded, and lobotomized what used to be a thriving news industry in America. It also shows just how badly served America is without real news, without real research, without real journalism.

This subsection of the Church of Ineffable Stupidity is dedicated to pointing out really bad moves by our newly shaped, Modern Journalist Crass, especially a) the Lack of Coverage on real news; b) the concentration of huge resources on missing besotted blonde bimbettes, instead of real news; c) the Playing the False Equivalency Bored Game, instead of doing their jobs; and, d) protecting and coddling the most powerful, while attacking the defenseless (see Wall Street, generally).

And what you have been all weighting for: – – – –

THE MAUSOLEUM OF MONASTIC MANIACS

This special section, this very special section, is dedicated to politicians, in their ever amazing, ineffable gory. When the new Governor of Maine hires a mentally challenged, perhaps deranged, conservative activist who wants to push Liberals down a staircase so he can smile, or when John Shimkus, who is to science what John Bolton was to diplomacy, suddenly becomes in charge of energy and the environment, or when John Kasich promises open government, only to break that promise the instant he is elected, well, as you can guess, this may soon be the busiest part of the Church in the coming months.

– – –
Obviously, there is a need for two more sections. One of them is yet unbuilt and unnamed, but acts as “none of the above.” The Church is open for donations of names, ideas, and heads ups on the latest antics of America’s Idle Morans. Bricks, mortar, humor, and sarcasm are most welcome.

So, send your ideas, comments, and heads up my way. The Church thanks you.

Lettuce Prey!

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