Michele? It’s GOD. We need to talk.

1890 – United States soldiers kill more than 200 Oglala Lakota people with four Hotchkiss guns in the Wounded Knee Massacre.
1939 – The Consolidated B-24 Liberator, America’s first heavy bomber, makes its maiden flight.

COINCIDENCE? I think NOT!
“There is a controversy among scientists about whether evolution is a fact or not…. There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.”
“What people know about me is I do what I say and I say what I mean. “I think people recognize I’m very sincere in what I say.”

FROM THE CHURCH OF INEFFABLE STUPIDITY:

In June of 2011, Michele announced that god spake to her and insisted that she would be the next president, should she take his word to heart and run for the GOP nomination.

Or so she said.

With this heaven-sent blessing, Michele gathered some $$, hired Ed Rollins as campaign manager, and began her campaign. Initially, she was able to contain her worst urges, Michele’s numbers rose, and some in the MSM began taking her more seriously. She won the first straw poll in the nation (Iowa) and appeared to all outsiders that she was a serious candidate.

For all his flaws, like him or not, Rollins is an old pro. He molded, shaped, and controlled her image, and kept the craziest facets out of the limelight. Like Michele herself.

In September, Bachmann not only left the reservation, she squatted and peed on the frying pan on her way to the fire. By then, Rollins had enough. He quit the campaign and wished her well. It wasn’t just money trouble, it was her unwillingness to listen to sage advice.

For example, a new vaccine which would prevent the most prevalent strains of HPV (a sexually transmitted disease, incurable, which leads to cancer in women) was the source of her first mentally unhinged attack. She claimed it led to mental retardation.

Other pronouncements regarding evolution, Obama, and economic theories quickly showed the world just how unhinged this wingnut was. Even after he quit, Rollins could no longer contain himself. He admitted that he should have googled her before signing on, and admitted that her one shot was a big victory in Iowa. But between her crazy ideas, and a growing chasm between the financial costs of running a professional campaign and the actual donations her campaign received, he knew she was a lost cause.

In October, Rollins erupted again:

“She’s still saying the same things she said in the first the debate. There’s no substance. She says, ‘I’m going to repeal Obamacare.’ But she’s been saying that from Day 1. I told her: That’s your Tea Party speech, now you have to say what you’re going to do next.”

Being a strong foe of legal abortion, and claiming ownership over the Tea Bugger plank of family values, she tried adding her corpulent, gay-denying husband to the campaign. The visuals were so bad, and the reaction so clear, that Marcus was soon pulled from future appearances.

The latest word from god came wrapped up with a ribbon and bow. State Sen. Kent Sorenson, Bachmann’s campaign Iowa co-chairman who appeared with on stage with Bachmann just hours earlier, resigned from the Bachmann team and endorsed Paul in Des Moines.

On stage. In public. With Ron Paul gleaming at his side.

– – – – –

GOD: Michele? Hellooo? Is anyone there?

GOD: Operator? Can you try reconnecting us? I can’t seem to get a hold of her.

GOD: No, I don’t have exact change. Yes, I will hold.

GOD: Hello? Michele? Is that . . . I can barely hear you. Can you speak up? Michele?

GOD: This is GOD. NO, the real one.

GOD: What the hell do you mean, prove it?

GOD: NO, look. That’s what I am calling about.

GOD: Seriously. Look, Michele, I love you dearly, as I love all my flock, but I think you made a serious mistake.

GOD: No, Michele. That was not me. That’s what I am saying.

GOD: Gabriel’s checking it out, but it looks like someone cloned my cell.

GOD: Yes, that’s what I was saying. It wasn’t me. Seriously.

GOD: Who? I suspect my friend downstairs. Beezlebub. Leviathan, Luther, Satan, Devil, AT&T, Anti-Christ, Serpent of Olde, Ruler of Darkness, Fallen Angel. That guy.

GOD: Yeah, I am serious. I think he cloned my cell, called you, and told you to run for office. That’s the only explanation I can figure out.

GOD: No, I won’t change my mind. I did NOT sign up for your . . . Wait, a sec, Michele, . . . . stop blubbering. . . . Please. I hate it when people blubber. . . . Now, don’t get hysterical. . . . No, that was not ME. No, from what I heard Satan’s santorum is not contagious. I repeat, that was not ME. Yes, I know. I know everything. Honestly. Trust me on that. Besides, I don’t need lube. I spread my love differently. No, I don’t know what you should tell Marcus.

GOD: Michele, I have to go now. There’s some fire and brimstone due in Bejing, and I need to light another fire in Texas. Stay in it if you want, but just realize this. If you win, it is NOT GOD’s will. Bye now. Yes, bless your soul, too.

Top Ten Rules for Successful Blogging

Whether it is sheer laziness, lack of imagination, poor editing, or the fact that most authors think that their audience are made up of auto lobotomized Ineffably Stupid Idiots, there has been a disturbing growth in using the same format for their articles, regardless of the topic at hand.

You know it as the “TOP TEN LIST WHY (fill in d’blank)” Sad to say, this is a growing phenomena.

On e week ago, as I perused news sources, websites, and even dared go where no man has gone before, I counted 23 places that used a “TOP TEN LIST,” or some variant of it. It is not limited to noncommercial, personal blogs, but includes places like Huffington, Politico, Time, NewYork Times, Chicago Tribune, even the venerated Talking Points. The three places where I have rarely, if ever, seen this silly technique are the BBC, Japan News, and Al Jazeera. That says something, no?

FROM THE CHURCH OF INEFFABLE STUPIDITY:

In honor of this boring, overused, lazy-assed, and contemptible technique, here are Pastor Agnostic’s TOP TEN RULES FOR SUCCESSFUL BLOGGING:

1. The First point should always have the biggest bang. In practice, it rarely does. Instead, lazy writers and poor editors use this slot for a teaser, something that titillates and tickles, rather than informs and sets a point out clearly.

Often, all too often, the first point is merely a restatement of the title, with little more than fluff and puff. Sometimes, although rarely, the author will make a decent point, and for that the dear reader is required to feel “grateful.”

2. The Second point is usually somewhat more direct and informative. It is as though the lazy writer managed to warm up, and get some of the mental rust knocked off their brain, before engaging their fingers. This point tends to be cogent, rational, and sometimes quite informative. Oh, if they would only stop here.

Alas, it rarely happens.

3. Scrambling for support, seeking any port in a storm, picking lint from the most convenient navel, Point #3 more than any other, is typically some tired, overused, and unfortunate cliche. Anecdotal, cliched, strained, and limp as Limbaugh without his Viagra, the lazy writer employs ridiculous analogies, descriptions, and quite often suffers from a case of insufferable “cute.” If professional organizations had any decent editors, they would make it a practice of eradicating #3 as a habit, even without ever reading it. The quality of writing in general would automatically improve.

4. Point #4 – The Maths. By now, 70% of all authors are stumped. They probably had a good idea, a spark of creativity, (or what started off as a dreary assignment from their boss) until the task of actually explaining themselves cogently was upon them. 84% of the time, the author will cite some useless statistic, often having nothing to do with the matter at hand. In 78% of the cases, the use of statistics neither supports, nor detracts from the topic, although in 11% of the remaining cases, there is a 50% chance that the no less than 68% of statistics are simply made up, more than 48% of the time. Literally two thirds of all blogs suffer from this technique, more than 67% of the time!

5. What becomes painfully clear by now is that the Fifth work best when filled with liquor. As a convincing point in a 10 Point article, Point #5 often fails. For this reason, lazy authors often insist on inserting several “False Comparisons” and “False Equivalencies” here. The most recent example in such poor writing is exemplified by comparing Occupy Wall Street with the TeaBugger movement, repeating it often enough in the hopes that the idea takes hold. Fox News is probably the guiltiest of this exercise, although I am too afraid of the damage I would cause my computer and/or TV if I tried watching Fox long enough to confirm this theory.

6. The 6th point is best described as a refuge from reality. In many ways, it can be related to, and often hard to distinguish from #5. The lazy author will cite a series of “Poor Examples” intended to bolster their argument. A close examination of those “Examples” quickly shows how hollow their logic is and how ridiculous the examples were. Masters of this technique can be found populating the Op/Ed pages of the New York Times, WaPo, and Politico. Thomas Friedman, David Brooks, Kathleen Parker, and several others, are masters of using and abusing this technique. Take a look any any of their articles, and you will find multiple classic examples of this tool.

7. By the time your lazy author reaches Point #7, he/she is in serious trouble. Even if it was a good idea to start with, good writing rarely, if ever, lends itself to such indecent squeezing or stretching of a formerly solid idea into some artificial 10 Point Platform. Good prose is just that – prose. It requires editing, thinking, hard work, and creativity.

That leaves the lazy writer with one and only one choice: Repetition of points 1-3, simply phrased differently. Maybe, the author thinks, if I repeat my GOOD ideas, people will be more convinced by my article.

Nah.

8. More often than not, there is no Point #8. Who ever suspected that Sarah Palin’s Word Salad Service, Inc., offered home and office delivery, providing filler words that signify nothing and often make no sense. Seriously, look at any Point 8 in your standard 10 Point article, and ask yourself if #8 makes any sense. You betcha!

9. Point #9 – Cognito Ergo Sometimes. By now, the author is desperate. He/she labeled their article a Ten Point article, and damn it, they still have two to go. TEH HORROR! The best bet is to take a stab in the dark, to make a bizarre point so out of the mainstream that it either makes them sound brilliant or so much like a 1900s French Philosopher, that no one can understand them anyway. Foreign words, a liberal dose of Thesaurus usage, and a sprinkling of off-beat references often populate #9 points because there is little else that they can do.

10. Ah, the end! Exhaustion, relief, happiness, the first brew of the day, and a grateful pet who the author ignored throughout the exercise now beckon the frustrated, worn out author. Perhaps it is the relief of having almost completed the task, perhaps, it is the lack of any more pressure, self imposed, or imposed by deadlines. Maybe it is simply time to go back to the original spark of an idea. Regardless of the reasons why, #10 points often contain some of the best ideas and writing in the entire article. Could it be that they saved the best for last? Sure, but given the crap that precedes it, it is far more likely to be accidental, than a planned design.

Now, you can write your own top ten blog!

I Hate Black Fridays

1

644 – John Milton publishes Areopagitica, a pamphlet decrying censorship. The pamphlet itself is censored.
1981 – Iran-Contra Affair: Ronald Reagan signs the top secret National Security Decision Directive 17 (NSDD-17), giving the Central Intelligence Agency the authority to recruit and support Contra rebels in Nicaragua.

COINCIDENCE? I think NOT!

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.”
— Mark Twain

“…(S)uffering is part of life, and it’s not a bad thing. It’s an essential thing.”

— Rick Sanitorium

FROM THE CHURCH OF INEFFABLE STUPIDITY:

I typically work long hours, I find shopping to be an insufferable bore and unappetizing chore. Given a choice of shopping for christmas presents or beating myself over the head with a large stick, I would inquire whether I could use Balsa wood. I also keep some news channel on in the background in my office.

Since last Monday, i.e., 10 fool working days in advance of the day that people have been brainwashed to eat tasteless birds, and are forced to avoid talking politics with their neocon, Tea Buggered relatives, the references to “Black Friday” have increased to the point that I have been changing channels just to avoid hearing any more about it.

Almost every MSM sTalking hEad has been speaking of Black Friday in glowing, almost awed, angelic, saintly terms. There are reports that some companies are actually opening early on Thursday, to give shoppers a chance to avoid the rush. Ads offering pre-Black Friday sales are outnumbering advertising for Viagra, feminine hygiene products, even those laughable, Big Brother-like ads on how Big Oil is working for you to create a green environment.

First and foremost, unless there is some new fad, some new toy which spoiled kids MUST ABSOLUTELY HAVE (then ignore three days later) there is absolutely no reason to go through the mess, the crowds, the bullshit the day after Thanksgiving. Pickpockets love it, parking attendants make zillions, tempers flare, and kids get lost in the craze.

No one will run out of product. Period. Getting it early or getting it on Friday is probably the most Ineffably Stupid move you can make. Do you really think that that dress or that tie will change in character, if you wait a week or three before purchasing it? Do you really believe that suffering the slings and arrows on this artificial shopping day accomplishes anything positive? If you simply stayed home, had sex with your spouse or partner, or played games with the kids, you would accomplish far more, in the big scheme of things.

Secondly, hmm, there is no second.

Third, the economy will receive the same boost this season whether you buy something Friday or next week. IT DOES NOT MATTER TO ANY RETAILER whether they clear their shelves on Friday, or next week.

Fourth, the MSM’s pushing of this ridiculous event has never been stronger. It seems as though the companies which own and exert such editorial control over what is portrayed as news, have conspired to push Black Friday this year. I have never seen the likes before.

If anyone has even one reason to support Black Friday, please educate me. I really want to know.