Michele? It’s GOD. We need to talk.

1890 – United States soldiers kill more than 200 Oglala Lakota people with four Hotchkiss guns in the Wounded Knee Massacre.
1939 – The Consolidated B-24 Liberator, America’s first heavy bomber, makes its maiden flight.

“There is a controversy among scientists about whether evolution is a fact or not…. There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.”
“What people know about me is I do what I say and I say what I mean. “I think people recognize I’m very sincere in what I say.”


In June of 2011, Michele announced that god spake to her and insisted that she would be the next president, should she take his word to heart and run for the GOP nomination.

Or so she said.

With this heaven-sent blessing, Michele gathered some $$, hired Ed Rollins as campaign manager, and began her campaign. Initially, she was able to contain her worst urges, Michele’s numbers rose, and some in the MSM began taking her more seriously. She won the first straw poll in the nation (Iowa) and appeared to all outsiders that she was a serious candidate.

For all his flaws, like him or not, Rollins is an old pro. He molded, shaped, and controlled her image, and kept the craziest facets out of the limelight. Like Michele herself.

In September, Bachmann not only left the reservation, she squatted and peed on the frying pan on her way to the fire. By then, Rollins had enough. He quit the campaign and wished her well. It wasn’t just money trouble, it was her unwillingness to listen to sage advice.

For example, a new vaccine which would prevent the most prevalent strains of HPV (a sexually transmitted disease, incurable, which leads to cancer in women) was the source of her first mentally unhinged attack. She claimed it led to mental retardation.

Other pronouncements regarding evolution, Obama, and economic theories quickly showed the world just how unhinged this wingnut was. Even after he quit, Rollins could no longer contain himself. He admitted that he should have googled her before signing on, and admitted that her one shot was a big victory in Iowa. But between her crazy ideas, and a growing chasm between the financial costs of running a professional campaign and the actual donations her campaign received, he knew she was a lost cause.

In October, Rollins erupted again:

“She’s still saying the same things she said in the first the debate. There’s no substance. She says, ‘I’m going to repeal Obamacare.’ But she’s been saying that from Day 1. I told her: That’s your Tea Party speech, now you have to say what you’re going to do next.”

Being a strong foe of legal abortion, and claiming ownership over the Tea Bugger plank of family values, she tried adding her corpulent, gay-denying husband to the campaign. The visuals were so bad, and the reaction so clear, that Marcus was soon pulled from future appearances.

The latest word from god came wrapped up with a ribbon and bow. State Sen. Kent Sorenson, Bachmann’s campaign Iowa co-chairman who appeared with on stage with Bachmann just hours earlier, resigned from the Bachmann team and endorsed Paul in Des Moines.

On stage. In public. With Ron Paul gleaming at his side.

– – – – –

GOD: Michele? Hellooo? Is anyone there?

GOD: Operator? Can you try reconnecting us? I can’t seem to get a hold of her.

GOD: No, I don’t have exact change. Yes, I will hold.

GOD: Hello? Michele? Is that . . . I can barely hear you. Can you speak up? Michele?

GOD: This is GOD. NO, the real one.

GOD: What the hell do you mean, prove it?

GOD: NO, look. That’s what I am calling about.

GOD: Seriously. Look, Michele, I love you dearly, as I love all my flock, but I think you made a serious mistake.

GOD: No, Michele. That was not me. That’s what I am saying.

GOD: Gabriel’s checking it out, but it looks like someone cloned my cell.

GOD: Yes, that’s what I was saying. It wasn’t me. Seriously.

GOD: Who? I suspect my friend downstairs. Beezlebub. Leviathan, Luther, Satan, Devil, AT&T, Anti-Christ, Serpent of Olde, Ruler of Darkness, Fallen Angel. That guy.

GOD: Yeah, I am serious. I think he cloned my cell, called you, and told you to run for office. That’s the only explanation I can figure out.

GOD: No, I won’t change my mind. I did NOT sign up for your . . . Wait, a sec, Michele, . . . . stop blubbering. . . . Please. I hate it when people blubber. . . . Now, don’t get hysterical. . . . No, that was not ME. No, from what I heard Satan’s santorum is not contagious. I repeat, that was not ME. Yes, I know. I know everything. Honestly. Trust me on that. Besides, I don’t need lube. I spread my love differently. No, I don’t know what you should tell Marcus.

GOD: Michele, I have to go now. There’s some fire and brimstone due in Bejing, and I need to light another fire in Texas. Stay in it if you want, but just realize this. If you win, it is NOT GOD’s will. Bye now. Yes, bless your soul, too.

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