Guns in Schools?

1993 – Wendy Northcutt has the brilliant idea of putting together a collection of the ineffably stupid. She called it the Darwin Awards, and later published print versions of her collections.

2012 – The NRA calls for arming teachers in schools.

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From the Church of Ineffable Stupidity:

In my misbegotten yute, I came up with multiple scary plans, usually involving  ironic, sarcastic, and pre-curmudgeonly humors and femurs, even devious plans. Had I taken any one of the more serious ideas to its logical conclusion, instead of only finishing the half baked and par-boiled plans, death and destruction would certainly have been involved. Quite possibly leading to the end of civilization as we know it.

For example, when I sabotaged my home in advance of my parents coming home from work, each and every one of the tricks backfired, and got me. I ended up wet, filthy, wetter, filthier, and exhausted. I was, as it were, the April Fool.   Think of it as crushing a dozen habanero peppers with your fingers, then rubbing your eyes. You cry so much that you could not help laughing. At yourself.  When I was away at boy scout camp, and I got others to agree to . . . . Never mind. Those memories are too painful.

Needless to say, part of one’s growing experience is falling flat on one’s face, learning the right lesson, and picking one’s self up by the bootstraps. Or as Sir Douglas Adams wrote,

“A learning experience is one of those things that says, ‘You know that thing you just did? Don’t do that.”

As I eventually survived my error prone yute-dumb and became a fool-fledged adult-aged  curmudgeon, I learned that my actions often caused reactions or other events to occur. I even learned that making a silly or stupid action would result in a silly, stupid, embarrassing, even harmful result. Some people call that the act of maturing.

The good thing is, not everybody does it. Where would we be without the Sarah Palins, the Eric Cantors, the Dick Armeys of the world, and where would our comics and comedians find new raw material?

It is in this vein that we should examine the latest calls to arms, specifically, the one put forth by one Wayne LaPierre.

It is bad enough that TeaBuggers have infested Washington. They are doing their immature damnedest to take this country out of an economic rut, and instead, put it out of its misery, permanently. TeaBuggerers pose a clear and present danger to democracy. Hard to believe as it is, there is one group even more stupid, more dangerous, and more immature than TeaBuggerers: The NRA and its strongest supporters.

Given my dirty tricks experiences, I have found it easiest, safest, and smartest to review my plans from a “worst case scenario.” If I dig this mantrap in a forest, and fill the bottom of the pit with sharpened stakes, what on earth could go wrong? If I take this burning cloth, and stuff it into my neighbor’s car’s gas tank, what might happen? If I light this firecracker and grasp it tightly, what would be the result?

Or, more specifically, If I arm every teacher in grade and high school, and force them to conceal carry, what on earth could go wrong with that idea? Seriously, what?

Let me count the ways:

1. A teacher could lose his, her, its temper, especially with a classroom filled with unruly yutes, intent on make the teach miserable.

2. A teacher could accidentally drop a loaded weapon in a class filled with 3d graders.

3. A teacher could finally learn that his, her, its, spouse was having an affair with Mr. Jones in History/ Social Studies. And lose his, her, its temper.

4. A teacher could have his, her, its, gun stolen by an unruly yute, one with the same level of immaturity that caused my parents so much grief in years past.

5. Or, the likeliest scenario – the gun goes off as intended, but the rank amateur pulling, not squeezing the trigger, is unable to aim it properly. And as all well designed machines, it goes off as intended, just not where expected.

I’ve had some experience in shooting. In high school NJROTC, I was sent to Quantico, where I learned to shoot M-16s, handguns, even an automatic weapon. Despite intensive training, a very experienced NCO intent on making my life hell, and repeated efforts, my handgun skills were laughable. Since then, I have taken several civilian and police courses on shooting safety and practice. Not only were they far less intense than the Navy version, they taught far less. With a rifle, I can hit someplace on a target. With a pistol, at 20 yards, pissing at it upwind might be more accurate. Under severe stress and fear? Forget it.

I know this is an indirect, long-running, way of getting to the point, but if the points are unclear,  let me make them plain.

A. Having a loaded gun in a room filled with yutes is a very silly idea.

B. Arming teachers, who spent years learning about their subject matter, and then, years about how to properly teach that subject matter, who have as much in common with a trained marksman as a melted snowflake has with a Cray supercomputer, is an ineffably stupid idea.

C. Having ill-trained teachers mix it up with an unruly class filled with yutes, WHILE ARMED, is an even more ineffably stupid idea.

D. Anyone seriously promoting the idea of arming school teachers is so immature, so irrational, and quite possibly demented or mentally ill, that nothing they say should ever be taken seriously. Not without a written release, sworn and attested to under oath, by a panel of examining psychiatrists and psychologists who will personally guarantee that the current treatment and proper administration of anti-psychotic medications has cured that particular individual of all of his, her, its ills.  

I just learned that 7 – count em, SEVEN states are seriously considering conceal carry in schools. Who ever thought that gerrymandering based on Ineffable Stupidity would ever become so widespread?

Shaden . . .Schadan . . .Schade . . . oh, Fuck it.

Schadenfreude: noun. Deriving pleasure from another’s mishap or misfortune.

The damned prototype spy drone in Texas actually attacked their own  SWAT team’s armored vehicle. During a photo op!

What the hell are they doing a photo op for, anyway, not to mention buying their own domestic spy drone? Oh, wait. It is Texas.

drones –
1 day ago … Police drone crashes into police SWAT team. A Texas sheriff’s office confirms safety concerns about the spread of domestic drones …


The Montgomery County, Texas Sheriff’s Office had planned a big photo opportunity with their newly acquired surveillance drone. It all went horrible wrong wehn, according to the Examiner, “[The] prototype drone was flying about 18-feet off the ground when it lost contact with the controller’s console on the ground. It’s designed to go into an auto shutdown mode…but when it was coming down the drone crashed into the SWAT team’s armored vehicle.” (The SWAT team had suited up, armored vehicle on hand, for the purpose of the photo).

In a time where every major street corner is permanently under police surveillance, where the NSA keeps all of your texts, emails, and web searches, where unreasonable searches and seizures are the norm, not a rare exception, this story has me fucking rolling on the floor.I can’t wait for chapter two, where a NYPD undercover squad, trying to infiltrate a mosque in Brooklyn, accidentally arrests a secret FBI squad doing the same thing. Or chapter three, where an illegal domestic CIA team ends up in a shoot out with a secret ATF team trying to take control of domestic pot sales in Washington state.

Schadenfreude – it is not just for happy hour anymore.

Who has been the most disgusting since Newtown, Conn?

Back in my yute, when I was mostly harmless, searching for a restaurant at the end of the universe, and figuring out how not to panic, I really didn’t have a clue about the real world. Some call it high school. I called it a waste of time, for the most part. When a couple of my “friends” began making truly offensive jokes (hitler not having enough time, blacks being not quite human, and irish doing something I could not even understand to potatoes), I did not find the jokes funny. But, admittedly, I was also too immature to realize how insensitive, how rude and insulting such “humor” was. Looking back at those days, I still cringe. At myself.

Most of those folks, if Facebook is telling the truth, unsurprisingly, have been stricken with chronic TeaBuggerism. Except to adapt the President to their jokes, or vice versa, from the little contact I have, I don’t believe that their level of maturity, their empathy, or their understanding of society has changed since freshman year in HS. Pro gun, pro bible, pro TeaBuggery, anti Obama, anti Regulations, anti Gun Control, and anti rational thinking.

Which brings me to the Reverend Huckabee. Evangelical sick man Bryan Fischer. Pat Dollard. and others.

From the Church of Ineffable Stupidity:

At least Sarah Palin learned her Retreat vs. Reload lesson. Given how much abuse I have directed at her over the past 4-5 years, if she does something right, not only is it a major surprise, but I feel almost compelled to reward good behavior. Her words could have come from any rational, empathic, thinking individual:

“My heart goes out to the families of the victims of this terrible tragedy in Connecticut today. Words can’t express the horror everyone feels in seeing such evil manifested against innocent children. Nothing could be worse than the murder of innocent children. Let’s all pray for the victims, their families, and the whole nation.”

Thank you, Mrs. Palin. Those words could (and have been) expressed by many living in the non-NRA real world.
Even Michele Bachmann acted with what appears to be dignity and empathy:

“My thoughts and prayers are with the children, teachers and families in Connecticut as they mourn this heartbreaking tragedy.”

As for the majority of the GOP, TeaBaggers, or the NRA, it ain’t purty. In fact, it is downright ugly.
David Frum, a former speech writer for W, tweeted, sarcastically as I have learned

“Shooting at CT elementary school. Obviously, we need to lower the age limit for concealed carry so toddlers can defend themselves.”

Unfortunately, some gun nuts like Frum’s idea, and are taking it seriously, rather than understanding it to be satire. Thanks to those who educated me on Frum here.
Michele Malkin attacked the “liberals” for abusing the situation, and being disgusting in their efforts to politicize this event.

Mike Hucksterbee took the cake, at least temporarily, by claiming that God caused this to happen because, no, let’s use his own words on Fox. It is only fair:

”We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools. Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage? Because we’ve made it a place where we don’t want to talk about eternity, life, what responsibility means, accountability.”

Right, Mike. It’s our fault because we took god out of schools.  Say, Mike, most of Europe is pretty agnostic these days. How many kids have been killed in their schools, because they took Her (its?) image out of schools?

But even Hucksterbee could not maintain his crown of frown. It took only moments before Bryan Fischer, quite possibly one of the sickest bastards in America, could beat out the Huckster:


“You know the question’s gonna come up, where was God? I thought God cared about the little children, God protected the little children. Where was God when all this went down? And here’s the bottom line: God is not gonna go where he’s not wanted. Now we have spent, since 1962, this, we’re 50 years into this now, we have spent 50 years telling God to get lost. Telling God, we do not want you in our schools, we don’t want to pray to you in our schools, we don’t want to pray to you before football games, we don’t want to pray to you at graduation, we don’t want anyone talking about you in a graduation speech.”
“We’ve kicked God out of our public school system. And I think God would say to us, ‘Hey I’ll be glad to protect your children, but you’ve gotta invite me back into your world first. I’m not gonna go where I’m not wanted. I am a gentleman.’”

Football games? FOOTBALL GAMES? Your god caused a sick young adult to kill 20 children in cold blood BECAUSE WE DON’T PRAY BEFORE FOOTBALL GAMES?
For those who don’t know Fischer, the term wackjob does him no justice. As late as January, 2012, he claimed that HIV does not cause AIDS, (which he calls a hoax used to justify wasting federal funds) but rather recreational drug use does. Two of his more famous quotes was to claim that the president “despises the constitution, … nurtures a hatred for the white man, and aims to destroy capitalism,” as well as the truly disgusting:

“God is obviously looking for is more Phinehases in our day”

Phineas is the orthodox saint who became famous for assassinating anyone who broke god’s moral laws ( ie, Israelites having sex with Midianites), and is credited fixing Israel’s moral code by banishing the worship of false idols. Killing in god’s name is a blessing, according to Phineas. Adulterers, agnostics, gays, mormons, humanists (especially humanists) are precisely the kind of targets that Fischer would like to be Phineated.

I don’t think it can be put any simpler than, Bryan Fischer is one sick fuck.

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On second thought, perhaps those who took Frum seriously are on to something. Perhaps, arming teachers would instill more authority in the classroom, AND allow teachers to shoot first, ask questions second, thereby preventing future Newtowns. Perhaps arming young students would allow them to defend themselves. Perhaps we should start training them in the womb.

As I look back to my HS days, and think of how immature, how sick, and how temperamental my “friends” – the future TeaBuggerers were, thinking of them with concealed weapons, armed, stupid, and willful, yeah, adding more guns to the mix would really be something. Something ineffably stupid.

THREE more groups deserve our scorn:




What fucker of a fucking production editor decided to put little boys and girls on live TV? Honestly, have you fucking fucked up fuck-headed fuckers fucked your brains so fucking much that you think it was alright to televise a little kid after such a horror? SERIOUSLY? I can’t contain my anger enough other than to say, FUCK YOU.

The autolobotimized morans from the Michigan legislature voted to allow students to conceal weapons and take them to school. Not just school, but, ” to carry concealed weapons in places such as schools, churches, day-care centers, sports arenas and stadiums, hospitals, bars and taverns, and college campuses.”

Oh, goody. I can see it now. The Bears travel to Lions territory, and a Chicago fan, rapidly self-medicating with Jaeger, stands up, “Hey, Lions! You Suck!”
End of taunt.

All this law needs is Snyder’s signature. And you thought GOPers couldn’t get any sicker or any more ineffably stupid.

Finally, the best response has come from the NRA, quite possibly, the people most responsible for unbridled gun show sales, horrible laws on the books re gun ownership and sales, and keeping rational limitations on gun ownership out of the law. Here’s what they said:










Silence says it all, no?

Larry Pratt, Gun Owners of America. No comments are necessary:

“Gun control supporters have the blood of little children on their hands. Federal and state laws combined to insure that no teacher, no administrator, no adult had a gun at the Newtown school where the children were murdered. This tragedy underscores the urgency of getting rid of gun bans in school zones. The only thing accomplished by gun free zones is to insure that mass murderers can slay more before they are finally confronted by someone with a gun.”