Monster Beverage hires some Experts

Breaking News: Dateline NEW YORK — “Monster Beverage is hitting back at a lawsuit alleging its energy drinks were responsible for the death of a 14-year-old Maryland girl, saying that no blood test was performed to confirm that the girl died of “caffeine toxicity.” The disclosure comes amid intensifying scrutiny of energy drinks and their caffeine levels. A lawsuit filed last year by the family of Anais Fournier said the girl went into cardiac arrest after drinking two, 24-ounce cans of Monster drinks in a 24-hour period.

At least five deaths since July, 2012, were attributed to Monster consumption by teens.
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In unrelated news, ten years ago, the FDA announced that carbonated beverages containing caffeine could not contain more than 65 mgs per can, especially when sold in carbonated form. The only exception were beverages intended solely to provide massive caffeine doses, such as Vivrin. Such drinks were designed for over-the-road CDL drivers who conveniently forgot about US-DOT’s limitation on hours of service. Vivrin and similar drinks contain no more than 200 mgs per daily dose.

Since the GOP managed to fuck over ejukashun programs across the country, starting with Leave No Childs Behind, and ending with efforts to teach Creationism and Intelligent Design as real, honest, god-given Science, (with a capital C), it is no surprise that illiteracy has become a way of life for growing numbers of Tea Bagger members and their offspring.

Following closely behind is Innumeracy. For those unaware of this mental deficiency and unable to find a dictionary on their computer, someone suffering from Innumeracy is defined as “A person who is unfamiliar with mathematical concepts and methods.”

By “mathematical concepts and methods” I mean basic arithmetic, subtraction, and multiplication of digits no greater in length than two. Division, fractions, and percentages create a Brave New World which such sufferers recognize as alien and strange, something to be ignored in the hopes that it goes away. For example, to a TeaBuggered sufferer of Innumeracy, if you threatened them with a course in advanced arithmetic, and said, “Here’s Lesson One,” most of them would suspect that you were talking about “Zero.”

Applying basic math to Monster, two of their drinks would have approximately EIGHT FUCKING TIMES the amount of caffeine that the FDA considered the maximum more than a decade ago.

I am sure that none of the sponsors or manufacturers ever attended a Rave, or any teen-based get together. It would be impossible to predict that in the heat of the dance, or a great hormone-raging party, that your functionally illiterate and innumerate teen would recognize that drinking two Monsters could be fatal. That doing so put 8 times the recommended maximum dose of a powerful drug into your bloodstream. That Caffeine can kill in relatively high doses. That kids do stupid things on a dare. That kids, and even adults, are incapable of recognizing dangers that might be hidden on a drink label or warning. That by aiming their advertising at teen kids, they are creating a potentially deadly mix of party, ‘coolness,’ drink, and death.

Luckily, Monster, Inc talked to Big Tobacco, Asbestos manufacturers, and BP, and learned from them which medical group they used to procure “experts” necessary for them to defend their product from any rational attacks. Watch those same prostitutes offer a defense which mentions free enterprise, “not our fault!”, “they could easily swallow a bottle of aspirin”, and  the scientific proof is sorely missing, as topics.
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In more unrelated news, the family of 14 year old, Anais Fournier, is the family that filed suit against Monster Beverage, Inc. Their daughter attended a party, drank two Monster drinks, and died of cardiac arrest. Monster’s defense? It is impossible to die of Caffeine Toxicity. It’s not our fault. Our product is innocent, safe, and pop-(profitable)-ular.


On edit, one reader emailed me and asked about the Famous “Fox Effect” on today’s yute. While I certainly agree that anyone watching Fox News eventually suffers from cognitive difficulties, because the average viewer of Fox News is in excess of 73.2 years of age, I doubted that Fox and fiends has any impact on drinkers of Monster.

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